Sunday, March 27, 2011
I know, I know...get to the point!
Well, I started to write a little tale about some kid who used to have an imaginary friend, Lorenzo, but his evil imaginary brother, Hernando, came seeking revenge on the boy all because Lorenzo had flushed his deck of cards he used to play old maid with down the toilet when they were younger. Also, Hernando hated Go-fish. However, the whole thing just wasn't coming together...it lacked a spark and was genuinely panning out to be quite a boring, pointless mess. Stuck and unwilling to post the thing, I decided to trash it. It's been sometime since I've sat down and even looked at my blog, but with good reason! I haven't exactly been in tip top shape as of late, though I feel incredible as of now. I have recently overcome some nasty food poisoning and now that my mind is fully functioning once more, I feel inspired to add another short story to my blog. It might take me some time in my thinking chair to conjure up something good enough to share, but I'm working on it! Focus is my biggest struggle. Usually, once I get something really good cookin', I get so excited I pace around the house for a while, which proves to be nothing but a big fat waste of time. So, just thought I'd leave an update for now, in case someone out there is reading this! I have not given up on you or dropped dead somewhere!
But I really must go now and get to sittin' on my thinking chair, so ta ta for now!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Here I am, wide awake at 4AM. I think I have a problem. In fact, I know I have a problem. I used to be able to tame these random outbursts of sudden creative juices, but now - now I can't seem to patch up the leak and keep them from flooding out of control. And this all just has to happen at 4 in the friggin' morning. Stories, ideas, in depth dialogue, playing through my mind as I pace around my room in a contemplative fashion. While the rest of me - mind and body - wants to call it a day and hit the hay, that itty bitty part of me, growing larger and more consuming, feels it's time to come out and play.
Oh, just for fun, check out Batman's hair envy!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
DIARY OF A RAINBOW PRINCE
July 17th, 2029
Ugh, I hate this day with every fiber of my perfectly stunning being! My loving father seems to think it's that time in my life to take the next step and marry some dumb bimbo. Apparently, he's getting at that age where he could start farting chemical gasses at anytime or whatever. Gross, like I have time to care for another person, I mean really! I can barely keep up with maintaining my own natural flawlessness, let alone take my gaze away from the mirror long enough to pay any sort of attention to some needy tramp before my public begs me to stand in their presence. And then there's sir Oinks-a lot, daddy's favorite go-to, get the job done-doer. He's nothing but a glorified court jester, but he's much too simple to see it - or anything past his massive gut, really.
"we've picked out the most beautiful women from all over space for you to choose from!"
What a fool, I guess he really can't see anything past his jello belly, and before I was simply exaggerating out of sheer annoyance towards the pathetic man. I mean, puh-lease! That one girl's hair...talk about frizz city! And another one, I swear she had more muffin tops than a charity bake sale! Anyone of those attention hungry broads would too easily be out shined by my breathtaking glow and shimmer. And there he goes again, barking like the sad, pathetic sideshow freak he is,
"what about Lady Supernova!? She's the most desired woman in all the galaxies!"
Um, yeah, I got a good look at Lady Super-saver alright, in her thrift store bargain get-up! Now, I don't have a lot of "bros" or whatever those middle class hobos call it - in fact, I don't have a lot of "homies" in general. That's the price I pay for being so royally fabulous. I find my life much easier without them. No distraction or priorities other than what's really important - me. However, if I did hang around a lot of other guys, I'd be surprised if any of them found this piece of trash who mistakenly compares herself to a supernova, as anything but utterly tacky. Father is always breathing down my neck,
"save all the glitz and glam for your sister!"
As if she deserves all the fun and I should do nothing more than sulk in my thrown all day, pouring all of my gold and silver over to my wife who gets to go out and spend it all on making herself up to look even half as tantalizing as I do now. What about me?! Why must I be the one he thinks deserves to suffer a life deprived of pricey fabrics and blinding jewels?!
Ugh, I hate this day!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
6. (40) List 20 things that annoy you. Pick one and write about it.
1. Soccer moms
2. Drama queens
3. 12 year old boys
4. Disney Channel
6. 13 year old girls
7. The Doodle bops
8. Cool kids
9. Stephanie from Lazy Town
10. Rugrats all grown up
11. The president
12. Did I mention Disney Channel?
15. Narcissistic preps
16. People who think the Social Network is a good movie
17. Fan girls
18. People who crack gay Batman jokes
19. Tramp stamps
20. Most people in general
This list, of course, is in no particular order and is only 20 of hundreds to thousands of things that annoy/piss me off. Let us take a look at number 5, shall we? Furries. Ah, the eternal mystery. What is it that would possess a person to want to strap on a fox tail and walk around like some kind of inter species mutant? If you want to play dress up, but can't use the whole, 'It's Halloween' excuse in July, that's your business, but when you start taking the time to go and do stuff like this...
...it gets to be way too creepy for comfort. Now, consider classic cartoon characters like Goofy or Bugs Bunny - I don't have any issues with them, in fact, I love those guys! I wouldn't ever put them in the 'furry' category, though. No, furries have this whole creep appeal about them that is almost impossible to describe, as you can see from the pictures above. If you can't see it, I'd have to worry or just assume you're a furry yourself. I get the sense that a great majority of people who dig this stuff take it all too seriously and seem to actually be..er..physically attracted to these animal-like hybrids. People never watched shows like the Goof Troop only to drool over the main characters, or at least I didn't. Although, I myself used to have a disturbingly awkward obsession with Dark Wing Duck, (if you want to consider any kind of bird a furry) so who am I to talk? I don't know, maybe I'm just a weirdo myself for thinking about it, but there's something different about these things people call "furries" and it's all a bit high on the freak factor for my taste.
7. ( 129) Write a light-hearted piece on how to get along with an enemy
Well, well, well. This one will probably make me sound like a hypocrite, which, if you recall my list of things that annoy me above, is something that I try to avoid. Well, I try at least. Then I think, what the hey, everyone is a hypocrite, so why should I give a hollering hoot? Besides, I might benefit from following my own advice. Doubt it, but I don't sound very 'light-hearted' right now, so I'm just going to shut right up and move on!
We all have one and some of us might even have several! In the rare case that you don't, well, you've pretty much got it all together and have no reason to read this in the first place! Yes, of course, I'm talking about enemies. Those, uh...special individuals who seem to have been put on this earth to only make our lives a living-
Oops! Getting a bit carried away there, aren't I? Enemies are like...the people we don't see eye-to-eye with, to put it in more civil terms. We are all separate and unique, and therefore, we all have our share of differences. You should always keep in mind that whatever your opinion is about someone, they are most likely thinking the same things about you. Try practicing putting yourself in their shoes! Who knows, maybe they have family troubles, or self esteem issues that cause them to attack you out of jealousy and a need of feeling superior, or - or maybe they're just so sick and twisted that they simply enjoy tormenting you every single day of your life! ....
Wait, that's not right...
Forget that last part! That was just a joke, honest! There's good in everyone and it doesn't make us any better to assume someone is pure evil! It's not like you're not at fault! You know what they say, it takes two to tango! Well, I mean fight, of course. There must be a legitimate reason they feel the need to tear you down, unless there isn't, in which case, you shouldn't feel bad giving them a taste of their own medicine!
No, no, no, I'm sorry! That is terrible advice, never stoop to their level!
Oops! I mean, uh...uh...be nice..?
8. (130) What's the un-funniest joke you've ever heard? Who told you the joke? Write about it.
"Aw, don't cry! It's just a joke!"
Yes, I just went there. As much as I hate to admit it, I am the one who told that hokie pokie joke. Boy, do I feel sorry for whoever the poor sap on the other end of that was. They must have felt so embarrassed to even be in my presence. Not my proudest moment, but I was never great at telling jokes, so I don't beat myself up over it. Anyway, I always thought the funniest people don't really try to be funny, but just are. It's a part of someones personality. So, if I ever tell you some lame knock, knock joke, it's probably just because I thought it was kind of clever and not so much that I'm actually trying to be funny.
9. (135) List 50 things you'll never do.
1. Go skinny dipping. No, sir.
2. Go bungee jumping. I have problems controlling my, what I like to call, "death thoughts." I get paranoid very easily. I can't even ride a roller coaster without freaking out over the possibility of my buckle coming undone and me falling to my death the whole time. So, you can imagine the amount of potential deaths by bungee jumping my mind would conjure up. Pretty much anything from a fatal heart attack half way down, to bouncing off the water and slamming hard into the side of a bridge. Splat...
3. Smoke. Yucky!
4. Punch a wall...again (ouch!)
5. Kill Bill
6. Eat a guinea pig. D:
7. Cut off my big toe. Yeeeeah.
8. Bathe in acid. Just not good for the complexion, or so I've heard through the grapevine.
9. Eat a cockroach (EEK!)
10. Ride in the bat mobile :( VROOM, VROOM! EEERK! CRASH! BOOM!
11. Watch Shark boy and Lave girl for the second time. Two words - HOT. MESS.
12. Lick my elbow (no matter how hard I try!)
13. Join the circus. It just isn't an option at this point.
14. Kick a puppy. I may be slightly twisted if you wanna take me that way, but that's just plain evil!
15. Get a tramp stamp. They're just waaaay too sexy for me! LUOTI (Laughing Uncontrollably On The Inside)
16. Eat more than 5 corn dogs in one day. I'm not saying I've ever even eaten 4 in one day, 'cause 2 is usually my limit. I was simply really hungry the day I wrote this, craving a corn dog, and sort of mixed that with the saying, "boy, I could eat a whole cow!"
17. Stop trick-or-treating. NEVER!!!
18. Own a pet rhino. It ain't worth all the upkeep, honestly.
19. Kiss a frog. This princess don't need no prince, honey! *Z-snap*
20. Pick my nose (oops, too late! ;D)
21. Join the dark side (maybe)
22. Take a dive into 3 foot water. Can you say 'FAIL'?
23. Attempt to sing And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going from Dreamgirls. I ain't got those kind of pipes.
24. Sleep in a coffin. I do not wish to be a vampire, nor do I desire to date one.
25. Eat green eggs and ham. See, I thought that would be clever, 'cause my name is Sam. ;) Boy, am I a lameoid or what?! Yes, the name's Sam, but you can all call me Corny...Mrs. Corny. Mrs. Corny Corn - uh - Cornelius Corny. The first, of course.
26. Shave my head...like, we're talkin' bald here!
27. Stick two scoops of ice cream in my pocket. I prefer it in my mouth, thank you.
28. Swim with a shark. It just...doesn't seem like a good idea is all.
29. Cuddle up to a crocodile. No offense, all you crocodiles out there. It's not that I'm not attracted to you, it's just - well, yes, actually, that's pretty much it.
30. Cut off my ear and give it to the love of my life as an early Christmas present.
31. Run all the way to China in my underwear. Sadly, all signs point to, "Are you crazy!? That's impossible!"
32. Eat fried worms. Not even smothered in ranch dressing and those yummy little bacon sprinkle bites.
33. Wear white after labor day...apparently, that's a no, no.
34. Fake a smile when no one's watching. What's the point?! Seriously, I gotta know!
35. Go out and buy cheap lip gloss. Yeeeah, been known to make my lips swell up like a fishy!
36. Jiggle my thighs in public...please, don't ask.
37. Squish a lizard egg :'(
38. Make them good girls go bad...never was a skill of mine :/
39. Turn down chicken wings for dinner! Or lunch...hey, even breakfast if I'm feelin' a little naughty. :P
40. Fall asleep standing up. It's just...illogical!
41. Get tired of laughing at stupid people, which is everyone. HA!
42. Figure out how to not cry a little every time I watch Mufasa's death scene in The Lion King. Seriously, I consider myself an emotional, sympathetic person when it comes to a good, touching sob story, but I rarely actually shed a tear. That doesn't make me cold or heartless, just, er..tough-skinned...on my good days, anyway.
43. Lick a rusty object. Yes, kids, this can kill you.
44. Flaunt my butt crack for the whole world to see. Not a good look, not at all.
45. Ride a magical unicorn all the way to Oz, so I can beg the wizard to grant me ultimate power.
46. Leave the house without deodorant on! Pee-yew!
47. Outweigh an elephant...or at least I sure hope it never gets to that point!
48. Go completely and utterly koo koo for cocoa puffs!
49. Let anybody put a dog collar around my neck and walk me around on a leash! Not happenin', son!
50. And finally, the 50th thing I will never do....*drum roll* Die! Muahahahahah - when is it gonna be time for fourthmeal? Ya know, the meal between dinner and breakfast? I'm gettin' hungry here, brother!
10. (324) Make a list: 7 signs it's time to take a bath.
1. When people start assuming you've just washed your hair, because it's greasier than...something really greasy.
2. Flies start to follow you around on a daily basis.
3. You suddenly appear quite tan, but can't figure out why, because you haven't been getting much sun lately.
4. You start to build an immunity to your own rancidness.
5. Friends stop calling, 'cause they can smell you through the phone.
6. Your boss calls you off work for 2 weeks, giving you time to recover, saying, "You smell of something foul, which is unprofessional and quite frankly, upsetting and altogether life threatening to our customers."
7. When it gets to the point where you do a pit check and lose consciousness from your own poisonous body odor.
Yowza, that's a lot of lists, huh?